Love you back

Making mud pies with birthday candles is one of her favorite activities to do at grandma's house. She loves the joy that comes with the birthday song and loves to see the smile on the face of the person blowing out the candles. I wish I were happier, I wish she saw me happier more. I go to the window after finishing my morning smoke and see her there in the yard with a three tiered birthday cake fully made of mud on one of my fine china plates. As mad as I would normally feel at anyone else for doing this seeing her carefully place the candles with so much focus and steady her body to lift the plate it couldn’t help but bring me a laugh. All is well when my grand baby is here. 

She carefully brings the cake into the house. “Down peaches, down peaches, stop” I hear her yelling at the dogs as she makes her way inside with her masterpiece.

“What do you got there darlin’”

“It’s your birthday grandma, happy birthday”

“OH ME? WOW what a treat you have made”

“Can we light the candles??”

“Go get me my lighter its next to my chair in the living room”

Two birthday candles shaped as numbers one and eight sit atop her mud cake. Having been lit quite a few times by now they are starting to lose shape. I make a mental note to pick up a new number candle set the next time I head to town. As she stumbles back in with the lighter I say, “Be careful now we don’t want anyone falling into a mud cake now do we”

Her face twists as she works on the lighter. Finally she gets a spark and quickly takes the flame to light the candles. “Happy happy birthday from all of me to you, today is your birthday I hope your happy too!!” She shouts, her own little rendition of happy birthday. “Okay okay blow them out!!!” I close my eyes and pretend to make a wish then open them up and blow out the light. I see her scan my face for a smile, as if she is detecting how real it is. I paste the biggest grin I can muster and pull her in for a big hug. Without fail she squeezes me tight and tears start to well up. Not again. I feel the familiar ping in my stomach anytime anything good happens. I never want to let her go but she eventually pulls away. “Grandma are you crying? Did I do something wrong?” “No baby I just love you so much”

On the kitchen table lay all her crayons and some post it notes, the only paper I could find today. She makes her way over and starts to frantically write on the notes with a handful of crayon. After scribbling on a few, she sneaks away into my bedroom as my back is turned cleaning up the mud pie mess on the counter. 

As she ever so quietly tip toes around my bedroom, as if I can’t hear the squeaking of the wooden floorboards, I go to my chair to light up another Marbrol red. “Damn it” I’m on my last pack in the carton. “Jessica!” I holler. She comes running in as if she did something wrong. “Yeah” she trembles. I smile, “I love you.” A sigh of relief and nervous smile as she responds in a sing songy voice, “I love you back.” “Let’s go into town today” I tell her “I need to pick up some dog food and scratchers.” She hates that I smoke so I leave out the 5 cartons I also need to grab. 

I hate that I smoke too. The walls in my house once white yellowed from the same tar that probably fills my lungs. Well at least that’s what the doctors say but hey, live fast die young. Didn’t think I would make it this far in earnest. Between my fathers sick ideas of what parenting meant and the heartbreak of losing my only love to a sudden heart attack I’ve lived through what would bring most to meet their makers. What’s a few smokes? Besides, she’s all I got to live for and I probably shouldn’t but I can’t help but tell her every chance I get that if it weren’t for her I might not still be here. 

. . . 

I hadn’t seen her in a while and I felt guilty. It had only been a few months since we almost lost her. Her rings still on my finger from the day the doctors took them off to induce her into a coma. My heart races every time I trace them with my thumb. 

The Chinese buffet was the last place I wanted to eat but its her favorite and pretending I also was excited to go there would make her happy so that is exactly what I do. “Chinese? That sounds great, I can’t wait. Yes. 1 o’clock works for me. See you then.” I hang up the phone and take a deep breath. As much as I look forward to seeing her I also know that at some point my dad will come up. She will ask me to go see him. All I want is to make her happy but that is one thing I just can’t do. 

The Chinese calendar with the different animal symbols for your birth year is a good ice breaker for an awkward lunch. I’m the year of the dog. She the year of the rabbit. I catch her up on high school comings and goings. I’m senior class president and with homecoming just around the corner there is so much excitement in the air. Telling her all about our airband routine and dress up days really gets the conversation going. I can’t handle a lull so I just keep sharing about the dance, my dress, how bummed I am that my boyfriend won’t be able to make it home from college to be my date. 

When the food comes I am grateful because my throat was starting to hurt from nervous talking so much. We share notes on the sweet and sour chicken, our favorite, and the egg rolls, which we both agree my moms are better. 

Then, as expected, “So I talked to your dad yesterday, he’s doing really good.” 

“Oh, that’s nice.” I don’t know what to say. 

“He misses you.”

“I know.” I look down

“I might go visit him next month, maybe you can think about going. Family support is really important in recovery. But no pressure I know it’s hard on you.”

“Yeah, I’ll think about it.” I say even though I already thought about it and it’s a no.

She smiles, “That’s all I wanted to hear.” I was surprised she didn’t push. She seemed to truly accept my answer. 

“I almost forgot, I have something for you.” Out of her pocket she pulls a ring box and places it in front of me next to our fortune cookies. I look at the box “Awe Grandma, you didn’t need to get me anything.” She smiles, “I didn’t get you anything, open it up.”

I open the box and inside is a stunning gold ring with a cluster of Ruby red stones in the shape of a diamond. My eyes fill up with tears. “This is so beautiful” “It’s a hand me down, it’s been In the family forever and I want you to have it.” “But why today, let’s save this for a special day” I close the box feeling unworthy. “Any day I spend with you is special, give me your hand” She opens back up the box and puts the ring on my finger. “Wow, fits like a glove” She beams, “And those are real ruby’s now.” I  beam. We smile at each other with our hearts. 

I wipe a tear from my cheek, ”what are you doing with the rest of your day?” I ask. “Ah I just gotta go to the grocery store pick up some dog food and scratchers.” I glance at her oxygen tank which she had put to the side while we were eating, “Let me go with you I can lift the food into the truck for you.”  “Oh are you sure? I wouldn’t want to be a bother I know you have a lot going with homecoming next week.” “No I’d love to help.”

We meander through the grocery store making small talk, she really only needed a couple things. Dog food, wet cat food, milk, scratchers. Once she got out of the hospital she really did quit smoking, for good this time. Still, it was surprising to not hear her ask for her usual couple cartons of Marbrol reds. The scratchers though, those were our final item before heading to the truck. After I load it all up for her I ask, “Who is going to help you unload when you get home, should I follow you there I really don’t mind.” “No your brothers will be there when I get back, plus I kept you too long today. I love you.” “I love you back” I say with a smile. 

Later that evening at dinner with my step dad and brothers I got a call from my dad. Had it not been for my conversation with her I might not have picked up. He was already crying when I answered the phone. “Hi Honey, I have some bad news. Its your grandma Pam.” The conversation was short, so short my brothers and my step dad hardly knew exactly what happened. I got up from the table, went to my room, shut the door, and started to play guitar. I had just seen her that day. She looked so good. I was in disbelief. 

Hours later my cousin, uncle, and aunt would be in my door frame offering their condolences. This was the worst day for my mom to be out of town. My other grandma picked me up and I slept at her house that night. I didn’t say much. 

Weeks later at her house I am cleaning out her room when I find them. In a hidden compartment in the back of one of her jewelry box clocks as if they were her most prized possession were five sticky notes stacked together in order and written in purple crayon were the words I LOVE YOU BACK GRANDMA. I held them close to my heart.

If only I could love her back.